Deutsche Version: hier.
Some people asked about my plans. I sell the sheep tomorrow. I rent a car on July 1. Pack the dogs and cats in boxes in the car. Remove the hard drive from the pc. Maybe I can fill some gaps with books, but no, that’s not very likely. And off we go.
I was told there are two rooms in my house where one can live. I do not know yet what that means. I prefer to sleep on the floor and don’t want to sleep in the sick bed of my mother. Or on the sofa, where the man who has abused me sexually for several years has slept. I’d rather burn the sofa. I’ll need blankets, they’ll fill the gaps instead of the books.
What happens afterwards is yet unknown and I see no point in racking my brain further.
My heart is breaking. I sell one piece of my heart with the sheep. I leave one piece of my heart here in the pasturage, the scent of grass and flowers, the shiny black fur of the cows.
I wouldn’t have went to France if I would have known, that it was never the intent of my American employers to give me an employment contract. I thought I would get one. At first I was told, we’ll do that later. Then I was told, if I’m not happy I can always leave. I honestly didn’t know where to go. This went on for ten years. Yesterday I was told, “we’re sorry, we do not understand what you are talking about, that’s all so complicated and we are hacked. We’ll talk about that later.”
I would gladly wait ten more years if I had health insurance.
I know, it sounds as if I was the biggest idiot in the world. But it’s so beautiful here. I always wanted to have sheep, all my life. And never thought it might be possible one day. Now I had sheep. There is nothing more I want. I was happy here. I had no depression at all. In Germany I was always depressed. But I can’t stress my luck concerning physical health further. I do not want to go back to Germany. Life doesn’t seem to be about what we want.